The Challenge

New Blog

2010-06-26T08:59:00.003-04:00

For anyone who still checks this blog, I have a new one--completely different and worth your time visiting.

http://muteswandesigns.blogspot.com/

Enjoy!

Year out

2009-12-09T22:19:00.002-05:00

It has been a year and two days since my first post. My goal was to blog a year and see what I thought. I think I gave it an honest attempt. I don't really like it. I'm still no good at it. I'm done.

Will continue reading though. Keep up the good work!

Without good reason

2009-11-28T20:22:00.002-05:00

I'm tired. And, I'm dutifully writing this because November is almost over. I like reading other people's blogs. I doubt that anyone reads mine. I have to be okay with this because I can't do anything about it. I have no motivation to write other than my legalistic nature that would shame me if I missed a month or failed to complete my year of blogging. Pretty stupid reason. I think I am retiring from blogging until I can come up with a better reason to do so. I am solely a blog reader. For now.

Mourning 24

2009-10-04T21:59:00.003-04:00

I don't really want to write about my birthday. It seems very ego-centric and, yet, uninteresting. I really just needed an excuse to a) post something, and b) get out of cleaning/paperwork.

Life over the past month has been breezy, normal, and comfortable. Of course the arrival of birthday month changes everything.

I have a love-hate relationship with October. I love it because it is my birthday, and Jon's, and because of the beauty that is Fall. I hate it because it is my birthday, the days get shorter, and winter blows in much too quickly.

I think I've always had mixed emotions when it comes to celebrating the day I was born. This probably comes from being an only-child and from having parents who have been divorced for every birthday I can remember. These two things perpetuate the love-hate relationship.

Being an only-child means lots of presents and emphasis on me, which is great to an extent, but after the party is over, I'm left with a longing for more. It is never enough and so it has fostered my selfishness, as well as my acute awareness of my mortality. I definitely don't like getting older, and the bigger the celebration the more aware I am that getting older is happening and happens quickly. Additionally, having divorced parents in one sense has left me with double the parties and presents (again, adding to my conceit). But, it also means splitting/sharing time for celebrations, the guilt of choosing only one parent to spend my "actual" birthday with, and the underlying and not-so-discrete competition between my parents to provide the best gift/party/fun-quotient.

So, this year, birthday month came with beautiful weather, a fabulous U2 concert, and sweet gifts and words from friends and family. It also comes with many "quarter-of-a century" comments, my parents continuing to try to out-do each other, me figuring out how to divide my time on my big day, and my wrestling with selfish thoughts of "how many Facebook shout-outs will I get tomorrow?" and "why can't I get new ASICS, new TOMS, and new clothes from Ann Taylor LOFT?"

I also have a husband who is so chill I sometimes think he could forget his own birthday (which would be sad) and mine (which would be heartbreaking). I find myself planning my own birthday dinner with him, down to the table linens and flowers, because I know I would be disappointed if he forgot one detail. I pick out my own gifts, ask him to throw something in there to surprise me, and then pray it's something I actually will like.

So, what's the solution? My birthday will keep coming (and every year will come more quickly). I will continue to have two birthday celebrations, one with each parent. I will always have a husband who is 100x less anal than me.

On the eve of my 25th birthday, I come to the same conclusion that I have been for the past 15+ years: I will appreciate every moment of kindness, every gift, every card. I will take in the day as slowly as possible, finding joy in the anticipation and not just the event. And, I will know that beauty, wisdom, and fulfillment come in the growing, aging, maturing, and seeking.

I have loved 24, although this time last year I was dreading it. I will choose now to love 25. I will choose now to work on my selfish nature. I will choose now to base my worth on Christ's love for me and not on how many gifts I get or how many people tell me "Happy Birthday" tomorrow.

Bring it.

--Addendum: I realize a few hours after posting this that I have made my parents out to be extremely materialistic and selfish. This representation of them probably stems from my own self-loathing. I would like to clarify that they are both very gracious and generous people who feel the pressure to please their only child and who have had to share and cooperate with each other amidst a tumultuous relationship, reopening wounds I'm sure they wish they could close for good.

Charlottesville Women's 4 Miler

2009-09-06T20:20:00.003-04:00

I did it! After 12 weeks of training, I successfully completed my longest foot race, thus far. I ran 4 miles in 38 minutes coming in 736 out of 3,300! It was an incredible experience, and I can't wait to do it again!! Thanks to all my fans for your support!

Here I come across the finish line:

Me and my beautiful momma:

Me and my biggest fan!

Cruise!

2009-08-06T21:07:00.003-04:00

We are home from our week-long cruise to the Western Caribbean. It was beautiful!

I have decided that I am not a "cruise person," however I can say that I wholeheartedly enjoyed a week of having three course dinners prepared for me, my room cleaned and bed made for me, and gorgeous sun and clear, blue waters.

Our four ports of call were Cozumel Mexico, Belize City Belize, Costa Maya Mexico, and Nassau Bahamas. Belize and Bahamas were definitely my favorites. We did tons of shopping, snorkeling, visited ancient Mayan ruins, and relaxed on the ship.

Best ship moments were winning the on-board volleyball tournament, learning all the moves to Michael Jackson's Thriller, hanging out at the casino learning craps, and choreographing a synchronized swimming routine with the cousins in the pool.

No seasickness (although I did catch a mean cold) and I didn't gain a pound (although I ate a ton)!

So good to be with family (all 20 of us) and what a way to remember Grandpa Terry, who passed away in September. He left this trip as a gift to the family. He is missed and dearly loved.

Here are a few favorite pics:

On the ship

Beautiful starfish I found while snorkeling in Belize

JT and me at a Mayan ruin in Costa Maya

The Costa Maya port

Cousins and the beautiful Bahama beach

Three Years

2009-06-26T21:04:00.005-04:00

On Wednesday, Jon and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary!!

These past three years have flown by! It's hard to believe that we have now almost been married longer than we dated. I remember the days when I thought this boy was never going to propose...and now here we are! Marriage has been an incredibly beautiful and incredibly challenging adventure. It's amazing how all my preconceived notions about romance, sex, wife-hood, and life-partnership have been challenged, reconstructed, and, in some cases, totally thrown out the window. But, one of the most amazing things I have discovered through my union with Jon is how selfish and bratty I am and what daily repentance, forgiveness, mercy, grace, and servitude look like. Marriage is truly a testament to God's goodness and, when approached with thoughtfulness and respect, an image of the relationship to come with our Father in Heaven. I feel that now, unlike any other time in my life, I can see the purpose for the trials I have faced, the flaws in my character and attitude, and the favor and adoration the Father has for me. Through Jon's love, devotion, patience, strength, service, and leadership, I believe I have a much clearer picture of Christ, his love for me, and the gift of redemption.

My utmost gratitude and love go out to all those who have supported our relationship, both before and after marriage, especially our incredible parents, grandparents, and Jon's brothers. We have been truly blessed with kind and generous families, as well as amazing friends who astound us with their love.

I plan to post some pics from our anniversary date to the Boar's Head (our wedding reception location) once my pics are uploaded, but until then here are some wedding favorites.

Cat update

2009-06-05T19:00:00.002-04:00

The cats have been rescued by a fabulous and generous lady who by ordination of God or just plan coincidence ran into my coworker, heard the story, and called her mom for help. The mom, who lives on a farm, is taking the cats for a semi-permanent arrangement. The kittens will still be adopted once they are old enough. Happy ending--still outraged at the SPCA.

Beautiful cats need home

2009-06-05T10:58:00.002-04:00

I just got a call from my coworker Erin...one of our clients is getting evicted and had to relinquished her momma cat (Oreo--2 years old I think) and her three 2wk old kittens (two black and whites, one calico)...Erin took them to the Rockingham County shelter for the client and the shelter is going to put all four of them down in 48 hours if no one claims them! This is outrageous and cruel. They are all healthy (one kitten has a facial deformity--however he is strong and nursing)...and Oreo is so sweet and housebroken. We are so sad and angry about this. There is no reason for these cats to be killed, esp. Oreo who is totally adoptable. If you or any of your friends, family, or colleagues are able to adopt/foster at this time, please contact me asap!

Cutest Blog on the Block

2009-05-14T23:28:00.001-04:00

Way fun website with free blog backgrounds....thanks to my blogger buddies who found this before me and have wicked cute blogs themselves.

Really?

2009-04-20T22:28:00.001-04:00

Everyday a new pregnancy....

Two friends reported preggerness in the past few days....one is having twins!

why my "side" job rocks!

2009-04-09T20:51:00.002-04:00

Check out this ABC segment and contact me if you'd like to get in on the fun!!

http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=7295022

out with the old...

2009-04-09T20:36:00.002-04:00

Spring cleaning has been applied to this blog...I found this new layout to be warm, inviting, and particularly spring-like. My only qualm is that it is lacking the large, centered picture at the top...however, I hope to make up for this deficit with my brilliant and vibrant posting...ha!

a reason to celebrate

2009-04-05T20:36:00.001-04:00

Besides the fact that as of Thursday my niece has successfully undergone her final major surgery, Jon and I have found two other reasons to celebrate this weekend. 1. Our 6 year dating anniversary (yesterday) and 2. my half-birthday (24.5 today!). Fun times!

Long time, no blog

2009-04-03T18:32:00.003-04:00

A mixture of listening to Coldplay, feeling reflective, and motivation to keep my New Year's resolution has prompted me to write in my blog.

A lot has been happening recently, despite my lack of posting... I really don't know where to begin or if everything really needs to be shared. I will summarize by saying that my life over these past few weeks, while intrinsically the same, seems to be shifting in unknown ways to something I can't grasp. My perspective on who I am is changing, my goals are shifting ever-so slightly, and my conceptions of wholeness, wellness, and peace are in flux. I have been much more intentional in my interpersonal interactions, not having an agenda, but knowing what I want and questioning what is right. I have also been more intentional about meditating on what is going on within in me, finding quietness to reflect. I feel that this transformation is ultimately good, that I will come out a more thoughtful, prayerful, and resolute person. However, the emotions that tag along with this journey are fierce, upfront, and not always pleasant. I am remembering more clearly, which can be beautiful and frightening. I am seeking higher things. I am smiling more; I am crying more. I am understanding love at a deeper level, beyond passion, above lust, disregarding pain, and attending to devotion. I am relearning how to be a friend. I am talking to God.

It's odd, at this moment in time when my heart and head are in a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts and fears, that I feel such peace. I know that this is good. Whatever is happening, whatever end result may come forth, I know that this is good. I am (finally) knowing myself.

Ouch!

2009-03-17T15:32:00.002-04:00

Posting has gotten away from me, but I guess I will write about my misfortune today since I have nothing better to do.

It started out as a usual Tues. morning. I awoke at 7ish, but refused to leave the bed until nearly 9am (I don't have to be to work until 11). Jon and I began the day by doing our Biggest Loser DVD (I love Bob!). Well, about halfway into it, I'm doing a leg lunge-kick move and my entire lower back goes into a charlie horse. I'm suddenly writhing on the floor in pain, and Jon is baffled.

Well, I am stuck there, on the floor, for about an hour. I can't move from a flat-on-my-back position without excruciating pain. From this position I text my boss to let him know I won't be in on time. After about an hour of laying there, Jon running around getting ready for school while simultaneously caring for me, I realize I have to pee. Wow, if you could only have seen me. I literally slide on my back from the living room to the hall, and then Jon does a lifeguard move, turning me onto my side. From there I get to my hands and knees, with Jon lifting me from the torso (at this point I have no muscle strength in my lower back). I crawl to the bathroom and climb onto the toilet. It was not pretty.

After relieving myself, I am able to brace myself against the sink and stand, leaning on Jon for support. He half-carries me like a sack of potatoes back to the living room and places me in the recliner.

And here I am...nearly 6 hours later. I have been able to get up--slowly--and take myself back to the bathroom, but not without a lot of pain. I am so confused as to what the heck happened. I feel like an octopus--spineless. I've tried ice and Advil...any other advice on home remedies is welcome.

Oh, Bob...I know you weren't trying to lead me wrong.

A funny thing i saw on my way home from work

2009-03-08T20:24:00.002-04:00

I mean, it's true, but kind of a strange advertisement for a church...

Warmth and Light

2009-03-08T20:04:00.003-04:00

First dinner of the spring! Steaks on the grill and outdoor eating!! WooHoo for warm weather and longer days!!

The Time Traveler's Wife

2009-03-01T23:58:00.002-05:00

by Audrey Niffenegger

Brilliant book...I highly recommend it

Curtain pics

2009-02-27T19:12:00.006-05:00

Addendum

2009-02-25T22:17:00.000-05:00

oh yes..... and, another friend is pregnant.

Such is the nature of blogging

2009-02-25T22:00:00.004-05:00

I realized I haven't been blogging. I've been reading a lot of blogs, keeping up-to-date on the happenings of friends, but I've come to a standstill in regards to my own outpouring of life's details.

Well, for one, we got new curtains. I have no pictures to post at this moment, but let my description suffice. Downstairs, on our sliding glass door, with venetian blinds that are the bane of my existence, we have hung sheer panels of creme with dark red patterns of "country toile." They are beautiful! Upstairs, in our bedroom, we hung valences that are also very sheer and have dark brown stitching in the shapes of palm fronds. These additions have made our house much more homey.

A second bit of news is that we have been participating in a married couples bible study group for the past month. It has been a true blessing and a joy to be making new friends. All of the couples in the group have one spouse in law school, so everyone can totally relate to each other. The range of marriages are from 10 years to just over 1, three kids to pregnant to not trying. It's miraculous and beautiful to be with these people. To have more godly women in my life is a desire of my heart that I see the Lord fulfilling.

Oh yes...we are also going on a cruise this summer! I don't know if I've posted at all about this already, but plans are finalized (finally!). We are going in July from Florida to Mexico to Belize to the Bahamas. I can't wait! And, while traveling is actually usually quite stressful for me, I am planning for this trip to be a refreshing and relaxing time.

This all seems a bit silly to be writing about and slightly arrogant or egotistical...in fact, a friend posted a little while ago about this new era of blogging, positing that it is really a way for people to brag about all the awesome stuff going on in their life in a socially appropriate way. I guess I can fit the bill at times in this regard. I am trying to keep to my bucket list goal of maintaining a blog for at least a year, and I am actually enjoying doing so, however I do think it's time to reevaluate my motivations. I think that using a blog to keep in touch and be entertained and inspired by others can be really good, but I also feel the burden of guilt that, at times, it can be used for selfish purposes. I hope to stimulate conversation, maintain relationships that would otherwise be lost to time and space, and simply exercise my brain by sitting down and writing a coherent piece of prose. But, is that all that I am doing?

I will ponder this.

Draft from last week--incomplete, but worth posting

2009-02-12T21:48:00.003-05:00

I can't even begin to explain the miserable-ness of this week. I won't try because, not only would it come out as whiny and insensitive, it would serve no good purpose and probably make me feel worse.

What I can do...and should do...is pray.

However, it is at times like these, when I am burnt-out, grouchy, and hanging by a thread, that I distance myself from my Savior for no reasons other than insecurity, pride, and laziness.

Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger

2009-02-06T17:26:00.003-05:00

Dirtier than usual, a la Steven Colbert:

A tip of my hat to Christian Bale for setting straight Shane Hurlbut, the director of photography for the new film Terminator Salvation. He deserved all 36 uses of "the 'f' word."

A wag of my finger to Tom Cruise for not doing something just as obnoxious first.

A wag of my finger for all those criticizing Nadya Suleman, the mother of the famous octuplets.

A tip of my hat to Suleman for keeping professionals like myself in business.

A wag of my finger to Jessica Simpson for letting herself go and getting too fat.

A tip of my hat to Kim Kardashian for pointing out that her boobs are twice the size of Jessica's.

Temperature Control

2009-02-04T21:56:00.002-05:00

Slight problem that I can't quite master...

If I set the heat for, say, 70 on the downstairs thermostat, the downstairs will be about 68 and the upstairs will be like 76. Way too hot upstairs and freezing downstairs. Our sliding glass door has a major draft problem, which I know contributes big time, and we've tried closing some upstairs vents to force air out downstairs....but, it's not helping much. I don't want to be a baby...we could bundle up downstairs and keep the upstairs nice, but our little parakeet lives in the living room and I worry about her being too cold.

Any suggestions??

scratchy throat, itchy eyes, snuffy nose, ringing ears kind of sick

2009-01-30T19:13:00.002-05:00

blah. i'm miserable. i'm whiny. i'm making my husband miserable. the only remedy is stephen colbert.

Teeming with insecurity.

2009-01-24T18:10:00.003-05:00

I've realized that all of my insecurities, whether about marriage, work, finances, etc, come from my lack of reliance on God. If I relied on him, seeking his will and patiently awaiting his answer, I would have nothing to fear or worry about. The problem is me. I worry about whether Jon and I are where we should be in our relationship as a married couple--if only I listened to God and followed his direction, then I would know and have confidence that we are where we should be. I worry about work, my clients, and my relationships with co-workers. Again, if I just trusted that God is ordaining my steps and if I faithfully looked to him for direction there would be no confusion or doubt to deal with. The problem is me. And, so I pray, and confess, and repent--trying to find favor with God and get back in his graces. So wrong. He is with me, even in my deepest doubt or frazzled anxiety. I am saved and I cannot wander away from my Father--not one step. But, I can listen more and be open to new lessons in my faith. I can read his Word, taking every sentence seriously, believing it is meant for me. I can pray through open ears, rather than an open mouth. I can seek counsel, putting aside reputation and facade, exposing the real me. There is no lack of security in anything for a person who is secure in their relationship with God. Get that right and the rest will follow.

Now to actually do it...

and so it goes...

2009-01-24T10:01:00.000-05:00

it seems to be catching...another friend pregnant.

I am so not ready to care for a child.

2009-01-23T20:09:00.002-05:00

Baby Bird, our pet parakeet, is two years old and we have owned her since she was 6 weeks old. She has not been the friendliest of pets, but since moving to our new home she has been exploring a lot more. Her new favorite trick is climbing out of her cage door, up the side of the cage and then flying to and landing on my head. (I believe my nappy hair appears nest-like to her bird eyes.) Well, today she did her usual trick and was sitting contently on my head for about 30 minutes, when all of a sudden she takes off and starts flying circles around the house. After a few laps, she managed to fly through the little window separating our dining room and kitchen, hit the kitchen wall, and get stuck in between the oven and the wall. I run into the kitchen to fetch her and find that I am unable to. She starts working her way towards me (she is much calmer than me at this point) and finally I can get a hold on her. I start checking for broken wings, beak, and claws. All appear fine. I chastise her for flying so far from me, and sit down to resume what I was doing before she flew off. As I am busying myself, Baby is sitting on my hand and starts throwing up...a lot. She has never done this before. It looks uncomfortable for her, and I am now freaking out. I go to the computer and start google-ing what to do when your keet is vomiting. Some say it may be regurgitation, a way that birds feed their young, and when they do it to a human they are saying 'I love you.' #1: Baby Bird doesn't love me that much, and #2: she just crashed into a wall and was trapped in a cravass--probably isn't feeling to lovey-dovey. Then I hit another page that tells me to rush her to the vet immediately. A bird vet? Does Ch'ville even have one? So, then I Gchat Jon and tell him what's going on, while google-ing an avian vet in town. Surprisingly, I find one, but Jon tells me just to watch her and she how she does. Well, long story short...Baby Bird seems okay tonight without a trip to the vet, but I am watching her for signs of head injury (a possible reason she threw up). She has been back out on my head and preening and eating like normal, so I'm hoping she is okay.

The lesson learned from this circumstance is that I am so not ready to care for a child.

Call me!

2009-01-20T19:15:00.006-05:00

Woohoo!

After the tragic death of my awesome phone a year ago (imagine Jon + my phone + our washing machine) and having to struggle using a retro LG until our contract with Verizon was up, I have finally gotten a new cell phone!!! This is extremely exciting for me, especially because I now have text messaging, too (I know, welcome to the 21st century). So, call me...or text, and I can promise that my phone won't die halfway through our conversation and that I'll (at the least) have acceptable reception.Ahhhhh, wonderful.

For my BFF on her birthday

2009-01-14T22:35:00.006-05:00

A(n Awful) Birthday Poem for Sharon:

Today you are getting older.
I miss you so much I could cry.
And Maggie, could you hold her
For me, and tell her 'hi.'

I think your new age suits you.
You're really quite mature.
You love to help kids (and newts too?)
You're beautiful, but demure.

It's too bad you live in Boone.
I hear it's really cold there.
You probably wish that we could spoon
And go shopping for VS underwear.

(those last two lines make us sound like lovers...and the picture doesn't help.)

(but we are not, for all who may be concerned.)

Procreation

2009-01-08T21:51:00.005-05:00

How come every one is popping out babies? We are really trying not to... I feel like everyone is on some time line for making babies that I was not aware of. It goes like this--two point five years after marriage get preggers. Um, we are past that...and actually hoping to go another two point five...is that okay?

Random post.

(btw, favorite pregnant pic ever.)

Things I've Done...

2009-01-03T22:12:00.000-05:00

Correction: My hubs was reviewing the blog last night and informed me that I have, in fact, been to Africa. At first I denied it, but then quickly realized that Egypt is in Africa. Now to save a little bit of my dignity, the hubs and I both agree that Egypt does not 'feel' like Africa...it's totally a Middle Eastern country.

I saw this list on another blog and thought I would add it to mine.

The idea is to bold the things you have done in your life. Some seem silly, but there are a few I'm considering adding to my bucket list. I've added a few comments.

1.Started your own blog (Yay! So far, so good.)
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band (Middle school on the oboe)
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland /world (with my best girlfriends!)
8. Climbed a mountain (many, but most awesome was Mt. Sinai in Egypt)
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo (actually, attempted to...auditioned for one when I was with Black Voices)
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch (Watercoloring, crocheting, knitting)
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning (damn Taco Bell)
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train (VA to CO)
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise (going on one this summer!)
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language (again, sort of...worked on Swahili for awhile)
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
9. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David
41. Sung karaoke (in a skeevy bar in Wilkesboro, NC)
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa (can't wait!)
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted (waiting for Jace to do this for me)
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling (in Key West and in the Red Sea)
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie (Terry family home videos)
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business (www.marykay.com/laurawellsterry)
58. Taken a martial arts class (judo with Share)
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching (on our honeymoon...Jon was throwing up the whole time)
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma (almost passed out)
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt (for Jonny)
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades (again, with best girlfriends ever)
75. Been fired from a job (sad, but true...ok, it was an internship)
76. Seen the Changing of the Guard in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible (a goal for this year)
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone's life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous (Ethan Hawke...not very nice)
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone (uh, duh)
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day (most likely a very short one)

Things

2009-01-03T12:52:00.000-05:00

I have a lot of 'things.'

Spring cleaning has begun. We've been in our home now for nearly 5 mos. and yet we still have unpacked boxes. This is completely my fault. Jon would have unpacked, thrown out, and settled in on week two if I would have allowed it. But, when it comes to de-cluttering and sprucing up I have a hard time letting go.

It's true... I still have ticket stubs from special dates, wedding programs of loved ones' marriages, high school notes (some academical, mostly the passing kind), and many college textbooks that I probably will never read again. I seem to have a problem of attaching memories to 'things.' I really dislike this trait of mine. I am not materialistic; I don't feel the need to have costly 'things' or many 'things' in order to impress or feel good about my self. It's not about the 'things,' per se. More so, it's about the memories, and my fear of forgetting those good times without the 'things' to remind me.

So, when I settle in on Saturday mornings like this one, pushing up my sleeves and pumping myself up, I feel a sense of loss knowing the fate of my 'things.' Can this fear of letting go be overcome? It's been with me my whole life, it seems. And the worst part is it shames me. I try to have a clean, welcoming home where friends and family can gather, but I always feel like the box, still unpacked in the corner, it telling my secret to all who come visit.

I'm working on it. I have an amazing husband who is so gracious, encouraging, and helpful. I can't imagine living with someone who could not respect, if not appreciate, my strong sense of nostalgia. He tries to understand and I try to get rid of things. We meet somewhere in the middle.

And, such is marriage, in general, I guess. Meeting in the middle, being gracious, and learning to let go. But, that tangent is for another post.

21 hours, 7 family members, 5 pit stops, 3 angry outbursts, and 1 top-heavy conversion van

2008-12-28T20:56:00.001-05:00

We've made it home from Kansas. Whew!

Bursitis

2008-12-23T17:26:00.001-05:00

My shoulder blade hurts bad... real bad. Apparently, I have bursitis. This is an inflammation of the bursa, or fluid filled sac surrounding he bone or ligament, that occurs when the bone or ligaments rub together from lack of lubricant (or something like that). I'm not really sure how I got it, but I think it may have to do with the large amount of driving I have to do with my job, as well as the fact that I have increased my knitting/crocheting significantly recently. The only way to treat this is to take Advil and learn to deal. Wonderful.

I'd like to say that I'm tough and that my pain tolerance is high, but this would be a lie. I hate hurting (I mean i hope that most do) and when I hurt I want others to know about it. How awful is that? So, instead of making my family miserable, especially at Christmas, by whining to them, I will whine via this blog.

Therapy

2008-12-12T23:28:00.000-05:00

I am a child and family therapist. I'm not sure I really know what I am supposed to do. I've been through four years of college and two more of grad school. I've done four internships, countless hours of volunteer work, and read books about sexual abuse, child neglect, juvenile death row, and mental illness for leisure. I get individual supervision every week, and I tape my sessions with clients for my supervisor to review. I've been told I'm great, that I've changed lives, that I won't be forgotten, and, yet, I feel totally inadequate most of the time.

This job is tough. I sit and listen all day. Actively, of course; I'm not a zoned out and nodding emphatically type of therapist. But, it's still listening...and then processing and making meaning out of and connecting the dots and spitting out the fix-all answers that everyone wants from me. I come home tired everyday. Seriously, listening shouldn't be this hard.

It's what I'm hearing. My day consists of seeing maybe four clients and/or their families for two hour sessions with each. During these sessions I get to hear about how 'my daddy used to come into my room at night after mommy went to bed,' about 'my asshole husband who would beat me until I was unconscious just because I talked to a male co-worker on the phone,' and, my personal favorite, 'I cut myself with a razor until it bleeds because I'm so numb and I want to make sure I'm still alive.'

I'm not being callous. This stuff is real and painful to these people, my clients, who I grow to care about in a very personal way. But, what can I do? I feel so helpless when I hear these things. I feel like I've been placed on this pedestal, looked up to with longing eyes pleading for my all-knowing and wise advice. I don't have it! It breaks my heart every time my clients embrace me tightly in tears thanking me for what I've done. What have I done? I know that they are still going back to a raging husband, a perverted uncle, or an alcoholic mother. I can't go home with them, protect them, adopt them...I just listen.

I love my job. I get paid to be in relationships with people. I draw pictures with my five year old client who lost his hands, take my fourteen year old client who is terrified of her father to the mall, and have tea with my client's mom who just lost her job...an her husband. I count my blessings everyday after seeing the realities of these people's lives. I was meant to do this, be this, and I am affirmed in new ways everyday. But, it's hard. And, I feel unworthy everyday.

So far, so good.

2008-12-09T17:43:00.000-05:00

Maintenance blogging today...that is, blogging for no reason other than the personal compulsion to post something so as to be consistent. And, seeing as I'm trying really hard to make this blog work, plus the fact that I don't really know the rules on how often one is supposed to post, I am writing about absolutely nothing important. Here it goes:

I reconnected with friend from high school via Facebook today. It was actually really cool because we both thought that the other had forgotten about us. Coming to the realization that even in 9th grade I could make an impression on someone was profound. This friend was in 12th grade when I was in 9th, so we literally were only around each other for 9 months of our lives. Yet, nearly ten years later, this dude still remembers me. That's pretty cool.

If you know nothing about me, know this: I'm totally nostalgic about high school. It was by far the best time of my life. I'm pretty sure that I remember every boyfriend, crush, football game, dance, party, kiss, fight, sleepover, date, jam session, etc. that ever happened during those four years of my life. It was by no means a wild or crazy time, but it's when I really came to know myself, like myself, and understand what it means to have depth in relationships. Granted, it was just the beginning, and college afforded me many more of these experiences as I continued to mature. But something about high school really brings back the memories. There was an innocence to that time; I was so clueless and everything was exciting and new and very grown-up feeling.

It would be fun to be able to go back, but I know things would not be the same. People have changed. We are no longer so innocent, curious, and carefree. We have lost friends to war and illness and accident. We have been in and out of destructive relationships, some even marrying and divorcing. We have kids, bills, responsibilities. The real world that we were so longing for and trying to be a part of back then is not all the we had hoped for. Not to say that things are all bad--definitely not. I've heard of beautiful births, elegant weddings, promotions, graduations, and many other successes among friends. However, the intimacy, the connection, that once was there is lost. Only one high school friend attended my wedding; there are only two or three that I keep in touch with regularly. What happened to 'best friends forever,' marrying your high school sweetheart, and "can't wait for our five year reunion!"?

Those days are long gone, and, as I sit here and write nonsense, my musings about another life, the waves of nostalgia hit. I won't drown, but I may go grab my yearbook or photo album, force my husband to listen to another one of my high school stories, and maybe even shed a tear or laugh out loud.

High School = best time ever. Thanks D.B. for reminding me.

Bucket List

2008-12-07T18:02:00.000-05:00

So, I've seen the movie and I've heard of friends making their own. It's time I take a stab at it.

My list of things I want to do before I kick the bucket:

1. Successfully maintain a blog for at least a year.
2. Bear children.
3. Get a tattoo.
4. Attend the Academy Awards.
5. Drop 2+ dress sizes.
6. Understand Middle Eastern Foreign Affairs.
7. Visit Italy, the British Isles, Kenya, the Caribbean, Morocco, Jordan, Israel, and Peru (not necessarily all in the same trip).
8. Save someone's life.
9. Write a book.
10. Star in a film.
11. Adopt internationally.
12. Meet Tom Hanks.
13. Grow a secret garden.
14. Design and build a house.
15. Research my genealogy, tracing my roots back to my European and Native American ancestry.
16. Learn to make clothing for my children and grandchildren.
17. Make amends to everyone I have hurt, lost, or forgotten.
18. Run my own business successfully.
19. Cultivate a love of learning and knowledge in my home.
20. Serve others unconditionally with unselfish motives.
21. Watch a baby being born.
22. Help an addict into recovery.
23. Introduce a friend to Jesus.
24. Overcome worry and anxiety.
25. Understand what it means to love unconditionally.

I'm sure there are more things, so I will update this list as I add and as I accomplish.

It's actually pretty crazy to look at this and feel any sense of ability to do all these things. Finances, ego, illness, and lack of faith will prevent me from succeeding. However, there's a hope of knowing that all that I am supposed to do will somehow come about, and in that I will find joy and hopefully take the opportunity to praise God for his graciousness.

Ridiculous, right?

2008-12-07T01:03:00.000-05:00

I've tried this before...lots of times before. I'm no good at it.

Blogging is this phenomenon that I really want to like/understand/be good at, yet I don't and I'm not. I read other folk's blogs and I laugh, cry, and all together enjoy myself and the intimacy created by reading another's thoughts. So, when I try to be creative, inspiring, witty, etc., why do I fail each time? It's not that I can't be those things...I know that I have been in other times and places. But, the 'blog' doesn't seem to be the place for me. Maybe it's because I lack confidence in my writing abilities. I'm no good at grammar or spelling (forgive the flaws). I don't find myself as interesting a person on paper as in real life. Mostly, I believe I lack the consistency and devotion needed to maintain a quality blog that is worth the time of others to read. And yet, here I am....again. Please, don't judge this attempt by my past failings. Have grace as you read, deciding if you'll come back to visit my musings, and show me mercy if I disappear for months, as I have been known to do in my past blogging history. I'll try....really.

So, hurrah for blogging! I'm hoping to check off my no. 1 on my Bucket List (stay tuned for entry no. 2).